In this world of millions of billions of unique people, I am amazed that any two people pair up for lifelong commitments. If I can't even stand putting up with myself, how is anyone else going to put up with me? And if I have enough trouble on my hands as it is putting up with myself, how am I going to additionally put up with someone else?
Whenever I learn about people through asking them questions, I am at the same time racking my brain to figure out what my own answer would be and the relationship between the responses. I am not fond of talking about myself because it is so much work to figure out how to explain this mess which I call my thoughts and it is nearly as exhausting to listen to others talk about themselves because my webbed mess of thoughts grows more and more knotted.
I have lived a super low-key life thus far and I am pretty content with continuing this theme. People from all directions keep advising me to do this or that to expand myself, but at the end of the day, I am the happiest cuddling in bed living vicariously through tv and books. I remember my freshman year at Calvin College when my social roommate went out to the club a couple of times with other girls from my floor. I found it fascinating to hear her describe what went on throughout the evening, but was happy I hadn't been a part of it. Of course, there are many a day when I live listlessly and dream of what it would be like to be a “Yes Woman (like Yes Man)” instead of a “well, I guess so woman”. But, I feel like some of us humans are not wired to stand such constant emotional charge as being a “Yes Woman” requires.
I am an idealistic romantic and control freak. When I look to my future, I see a farm house with fields for my sheep, a woods nearby for firewood, a few dogs running through my yard, cats lounging on the porch and inside on couches, and me working as an environmental consultant (ASTI tried to kill my dream, but try as they might, they only made it stronger). I have always kept the option open for there to be a husband and children in this idyllic picture, but it is so difficult to daydream this part of the story since I have no control over these characters. When it is just me, then I can do whatever I want. But, bring in even one extra character into the story and my selfish dream is complicated. If one of my main goals in life is to be happy, then I ask myself, “Would the addition of anyone improve conditions or make it worse?”.
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Yeah, if you add a 1941 Boeing Stearman Bi-plane in the army colors that I can land on the huge property, that does sound pretty awesome! :) It almost reminds me of home back in Texas as it is! (if you cannot picture the plane i am talking about, try google or Flickr, they are from the "romantic" days of aviation, and the last plane I had the honor of flying before I left on my big army adventure)
ReplyDeleteMy brother Walter and I used to joke that I was going to own a large amount of property in Montana and he would fly airplane tours over the region, using my land as his runway.
ReplyDeleteI looked up the plane you mentioned. Yup, it fits the scene. I'm not so sure about your color choice though. I think those colors should be reserved for necessity and not play.
ReplyDeleteno, well you see i am fond of those. you see, that was the plane my dad bought after we sold our cessna. It was always his dream plane from when he was a kid. It is Also the plane that took my uncles life, but that was just very bad luck and timing. I will own one some day...some day....
ReplyDeleteIt's sad you feel like you do about having a relationship with someone else. You could be happy sharing your life with someone, if the right person comes along. And you will know when that is. Give yourself time. I would love to just lay on my bed and read in my spare time too. Actually I do sit in my chair in my spare time and read. Nothing wrong with that. But as for your messy thoughts, stop beating yourself up over what you think are messy thoughts and just relax, try to enjoy life, whatever it is you find fun. Don't dwell on those thoughts. Oh and you are NOT a control freak. A dreamer, yes.
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