FEAR

I spent the month of January in Jordan with a college archeology group. I was in Jordan to learn about the history of that region and to collect soil samples with a Professor from a German university. In a few days I will be going to Germany to analyze the soil samples in a university laboratory. I will stay there for 3 months to do this and then come home for my oldest brother's wedding in June.
I am super excited about this opportunity to apply both my interests in geology and German. I am also super scared. I'm afraid of being an idiot when it comes to laboratory work because I've never been very good at school labs. I'm also afraid of being lonely because I won't know anyone. I'm also afraid because the last decision I made to go somewhere and do something I thought would be great turned out to be a disaster-yes, I mean my failed bicycle trip last Autumn. I hate making choices and taking bold chances because there is so much room to screw up. When I play board and card games, I like to play the ones which are mostly up to chance. And that's also how I try to live my real life. I think that what it comes down to is I don't like taking responsibility, whether it be praiseworthy or disgraceful. One of the most difficult things about being me is that I live my life always with an eye to the future. And while this is definitely a good thing, it takes a lot of patience and snubbed desires. I have ideas of what sort of life I should live; you know, things like a goal income, goal living abode, pets, entertainment options, clothes, etc. I daydream of so many things that could give me instant gratification, but I know I must wait. All I may have now is dark chocolate and boy do I take advantage of that! I have applied to a German university grad school program called Environmental and Resource Management. The courses are all in English, which means I can actually succeed. This is what I want. I know it is. And yet, every morning when I wake up I curl up and hide under the covers and daydream that my life is completely different. People call me brave for all the different places I've been to and activities I've done; if only I felt so brave.