Thoughts While Working

When I sit alone at home working, my mind wanders. If I were in the presence of other people, then I might share some of these thoughts and have a nice little conversation. But, I'm not in the presence of other people, and I probably wouldn't bring up some of these thoughts for conversation anyway. So, I write out a few lines of internal conversation, then go back to work. You would be correct to notice that the two themes I seem to dwell on are my surroundings and my place in the world.

There is a plant growing outside my kitchen window which is supposed to attract butterflies and it does its job really well. It additionally attracts a lot of Bumblebees. It seems like nearly any time of day I pop into the kitchen the long purple clusters of flowers are swarmed with orange butterflies. I really quite enjoy the spectacular and am very glad that my neighbor planted this plant in such a convenient location for me.

With every new beginning I dream of finding an unwavering happiness. I imagine finding the perfect friends, the perfect entertainment, the perfect happiness. Of course, I never find it. Even as I tell myself, "There will never be anything 'perfect' but this is pretty good. You should be happy.", my thoughts and emotions get the best of me and find fault with my situation. When I was younger I used to be angry with myself for thinking so much. I pleaded with myself to stop critiquing, analyzing, and reflecting on everything. As I advanced in education, I realized that I could use these annoying thoughts as tools in my academics and work. There are some aspects of my personality which I have been able to change for the better, such as increasing my patience and confidence, but there are some things about me which are just who I am and don't need to change. Still, if only I could figure out how to be contented. Maybe my discontent is just my natural instinct trying to find me a life situation which is perfect for me. Perhaps there is paradise at the end of this dark tunnel and I will be happy that I pushed through to get there.

In a song, life lasts for an average of 3 minutes. In a tv sitcom, life is about 20 minutes in duration. A tv drama a little longer at 45 minutes. Watch a movie and life averages 2 hours. In a book, life lasts a few days. Read a book series and it lasts about a month. But when you live for real, then every single second lasts a full second and every minute a whole 60 seconds. Time passes slow. Second upon second, hour upon hour, year upon year. How crazy it must feel to be old.

What's your favorite place in the world? This question is easy for me to answer: my bed. And it has to be my bed. My bed is my most private and precious territory. If I were a queen, my bed would be my throne. In my bed, I feel the safest and experience the most amazing adventures of my life through books and dreams. My bed is both my work and playplace. Whether it is my sleeping bag in the woods, my double bed with the wool comforter in Michigan, my quilt covered bed in Austria, or my blanket covered bed in Germany, I love curling up in my bed. This bed here in Erlangen is pretty sweet because I can watch tv while lying in bed. There's also a big table and couch within arms reach where I can access books and food. What's your favorite place in the world?

I watch television in German and enjoy it. Do I comprehend every conversation? No, but I understand enough. And, very importantly, my vocabulary increases! When I watch American shows that have been translated, then I learn words based on American contexts. Alternatively, when I watch German shows, I learn how Germans approach certain types of conversations. Both of these situations are important to my language education and enjoyment of entertainment.

It is at times like these when all the plans are falling into place, when I am just beginning the difficult work, that my mind starts to wander. It wanders to bookstores where I could be organizing the shelves of fascinating books and helping customers find just what they want. It wanders to the state park where I could assist people in enjoying nature. It wanders back to the library where I wondered if I should be a librarian. And back to the craft store where I was always discovering new products and listening to people dream up new ways of using the products. I know that I'm in the right place right now doing the right thing for me, but I always wonder what my life would be like if I took a different path. It's my nervousness and fear wandering away to jobs that are safely distanced from reality.

I bet that if we asked them, cats could teach us a lot about birds. I was doing my work out on my porch this afternoon and was frequently distracted by the adorable little birds in the trees. I acquired quite the aviary education in those many distracted moments. If I feel so enriched from my short period of observation, just imagine how much cats must know about birds, considering they spend hours upon hours every day staring at their feathered friends!

She works in retail, has a loving family and lots of good friends. She is happy living a simple life. People like her don't aspire for anything more. Maybe they don't have the ability to accomplish anything else. But, I think that people like her know best how to love and be content. It is people like me who always want to know more, to be more, to achieve more, and in the process we never find contentment. My parents may have raised me with the phrase, "I don't want you to grow up and work flipping burgers", but it has long been my dream to be simple-minded and aspire to nothing more than flipping burgers. I like to dream of how nice the world would seem to me if I were an Idiot. (Maybe I need to read the novel, The Idiot. I wonder what it is about.) It's the dream we all have when we say, "I wish I were a dog or cat and could just live the easy life." Not much is usually expected of Idiots. Sure, parents and teachers try to get the most out of them and their abilities, but really, life for them is a free ride. I know, all the psychologists of the world are going to yell at me saying, "But Idiots go through a lot of inner and social turmoil because of their inabilities to comprehend and connect." Well, I say, at least at the end of the day they don't understand the deeper meanings of anything, and don't care to either. (This paragraph has been brought to you by the "Laurie's afraid of science foundation".)

"Pictures of you, pictures of me, up on the wall for the world to see. Pictures of you, pictures of me, remind us of what we used to be. Remind us of what we could have been. Could have been." -The Last Goodnight, "Pictures of You"